Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

Suspect in ‘King of the Hill’ actor’s death ‘immediately’ confessed: police - KTLA

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

James Webb telescope unveils largest-ever map of the universe, stretching from present day to the dawn of time - Live Science

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

How do you feel cockroach?

I had run out of hope.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

And the sadness?

Nick Jonas Set As KISS Singer Paul Stanley In STX Movie ‘Shout It Out Loud’ - Deadline

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

What kind of pleasure do gay men get from being bottom? The idea is very appealing to me but in practice it's quite painful.

You are like me, then.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

The sadness was still there.

5 Things to Know Before the Stock Market Opens - Yahoo Finance

I was tired of trying and failing.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

I was tired of fighting.

Why do siblings (or other close relatives) stop visiting each other as they grow older? Why does this happen with so many people nowadays?

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

Be who you already are.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

How should one handle a situation where they suspect their partner of cheating, but their partner denies it and claims it is all in their head?

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

It’s here now, writing to you.

Why do atheists not love a G-d that does not stop punishing them harder and harder in this world and the next until they surrender to Him?

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

It’s still here.